wow that sucks from this end.

what i want isn't what i see. give me the option to select a specific preview or remove any preview altogether, please.

This morning's market visit quickly moved from, "gosh, plums in November?" to discussion of lamb sodomy with banana dildos.

As one does.

Why do I try to do stuff when the TV is on? 

I've been sitting here now for the past 2 hours thinking about the stuff I really need to do but Jaws 2 is on. I don't even like the Jaws movies. But here I sit, with a 12 year old in my lap because I am terribly sappy like that. A little boy, adrift in the ocean near a massive killer shark and of course I have to cuddle my boy. 

It's one of those movies that makes me frustratingly mad. Yelling at the screen at the stupid people. Damn movie. Ruined my evening. Now I'm off to bed. If I dream about Sharks, channel 7 and I will have issues. 

It's soup season.

In a comment on my last post, Stacey asked what video games I liked.

In general, I like video games with strong stories and stronger gameplay. I like games that challenge me physically and games that require me to learn new skills. I like to fail before I succeed, as long as the failure is fair and due to my own incompetence. I like the freedom to explore, especially in varied environments. I like the freedom to make my own choices, and to have those choices affect things in the world. 

These general rules generally shove me in the direction of action-oriented role-playing games. Unfortunately, most of the mainstream games made for a Western audience do not hold my interest. With these titles I will quickly acquire the dexterity needed for basic gameplay, and then find that my in-game progression is gated by the skills my character has rather than my own skills. At this point the game's essence has become an Excel spreadsheet. 

It's not a hard and fast rule; I'm willing to juggle numbers for a while if a game has a great story or an intriguing setting. But it isn't really why I'm holding a controller. Great stories can be found in movies, books, and on stage. Great video games to me, on the other hand, are great games first, with everything else supporting that.

And yeah, I get that not everyone wants to be doing precisely timed button mashing on their day off. It's cool, really. The question is "what do I like" and so I'm saying that when I choose to play, I usually choose to play something that will challenge me in ways that no other form of entertainment can.

So here's my top three. 

Dark Souls, Fromsoftware; PS3, 360, PC. I have played this game more than any other game, because it not only challenges me physically, but because it brilliantly tells a compelling story in an intriguing world where actions matter -- almost without telling the player anything at all. There are almost no cutscenes. Just a few hundred lines of dialogue scattered among dozens of NPCs. Everything you learn, you'll learn by picking up little tidbits of information here and there on weapons and other items you find, and by thinking about the structure of the world and why it's arranged the way it is. Dark Souls has some faults, but if you can muster the skill and determination to get through it -- because it is hard as hell -- it is immensely rewarding physically, intellectually and emotionally. If you want to imagine the storytelling in most games as someone sitting you down to read you a biography, then in maybe in Dark Souls you've walked into the house of someone's who's died and over the course of looking into every corner and reading every scrap of paper you come to an understanding of who they were.  

Demon's Souls, Fromsoftware; PS3 only. The predecessor to Dark Souls. The combat isn't quite as tight, the story isn't quite as compelling, some of the bosses are kind of cheesy, but the level design is the best I've seen bar nothing. And there's one boss fight in particular that will probably make you scream or cry that it's it's just so fucking unfair that good people nevertheless come to bad ends. It's just as hard as Dark Souls, in some ways even harder. If you play one of these games, probably play Demon's Souls first because it's a little more accessible from a storytelling point of view -- there's a definite arc and progression. Where Dark Souls almost propels you forward due to curiosity and level design, Demon's Souls is a more contemplative game, encouraging you to explore each area thoroughly so you don't miss anything.

And then there's a fairly wide gap in preference and we come to...

Dragon's Dogma Dark Arisen, Capcom; PS3, 360. A wide-open-world RPG with intriguing quests, enormously varied foes and some really brilliant battle and gameplay mechanics. It does have the flaw of being a little "spreadsheety" in that equipment configuration matters more that I'd like; it's too easy to get to the "press X to win" level of power; but that didn't stop me from playing through it half a dozen times at many hours each in a particular mode of play called "Bitterblack Challenge" where you eschew the main storyline at level 1 and go right to the DLC, which is suggested for players level 20 and up. I must also say the music for Dragon's Dogma is among the best video game music I've ever heard, easily on a par with the best movie soundtracks, and the enemy AI is at times startlingly realistic. The main storyline is pretty good, and your decisions do matter somewhat in the course of the world's unfolding.

I have several thousand hours in these three games.

After these three another wide gap where we find all other games I've played through to the end at least once, like the various Final Fantasy epics, Mass Effect(s), Journey, Dragon Quest(s), and so on. Bard's Tale on the iPad was fairly enjoyable, but still too equipment-centric. I'm currently playing Bayonetta which is much more like a combo-centric arcade fighting game than an action RPG, but I'm still enjoying it.

There are also a lot of action/rpg games which probably fit the style of play I like but that I flat-out refuse to engage with beacuse of overt misogyny. That's why I haven't mentioned titles like Red Dead Redemption or GTA or Saint's Row or God of War or Hitman or ... whatever, the list goes on. There are many, many games that I might like but will never play. I also prefer RPGs where I can customise my avatar, and haven't much tolerance for games which force me to one face or one gender.​

The current discussion of street harrassment has me somewhat interested.

You see, I talk to strangers. 

I do it a lot.

I did it in Boston, when I was an undergrad, mostly at coffee shops.  (God, I miss talking to strangers in coffee shops.  I miss it so much.)

I think I really started doing it when I lived in Ithaca, as a grad student.  One of the (many!) things I liked about leaving cold, miserable Boston for cold, welcoming Ithaca (you can't have everything) was the experience that I would walk down the street in Fall Creek (my neighbourhood) and people said hi to me, and I to them.

Over time, I suppose, I acquired a passing connection to these people, but for many of them, I didn't know their first names.  But nonetheless, for a really lonely 21-year-old who'd just moved in from afar, it actually helped me feel like I was part of humanity.

There are lots and lots of ways that I talk to strangers.  I say hello to people in cafes.  When people next to me in line are asking questions to their friends that their friends obviously don't know the answers to, I semi-bashfully say, "um, actually, it's not Rangoon any more, they built a capital in the middle of the country."  (Or whatever.  I don't do this often.  Which is to say I probably drive Daniel nuts with how often I do it.)  I pet their dogs.  (Really, that's probably half of it.)  I admire their scarves.  I laugh with them when I nearly decapitate them by talking with my hands and having them walk up behind me without me knowing they were there.  I say hello when I stand in line for transit with them.

I've stopped doing some of the talking to strangers I once did, and to be honest, I miss some of it.  I don't talk to strangers in coffee shops anymore, because everyone's staring at a screen and half of the people are listening to headphones.  I don't compliment black women on their hair anymore.  (Maybe I very rarely do?)  But I saw a movie a few years ago ("Good Hair", by Chris Rock), where it was made really clear to me that black women largely don't give a shit what white guys think of their hair, and that some feel it's dehumanizing or whatever-the-black-equivalent-to-orientalism is, to focus on the art on people's head.  [Oh, right: I compliment strangers on their tattoos, too.  Gah.] 

And, in general, I've tried to train myself not to compliment women on their appearance.  I honestly struggle with this.  (Example: two paragraphs ago, I noted that I admire people's scarves.  Probably mostly women's scarves.) No, I never did, "hey babe, you and me, how 'bout it", or the like.  [I do confess that I look at attractive people, under my sunglasses, at the beach.  You do, too.  Please don't judge me.]  But I have, over time, decided that complimenting most strangers on their appearance doesn't make the world any happier than just, "Gorgeous day, eh?" [Did you see that?  I have become Canadian enough that I can use "eh" successfully...] 

Again, I kind of regret this, and it feels complicated.  I do still compliment men on their clothes, sometimes, as, "those socks are so cool" or, "what a great hat!"  (In general, I guess I never really compliment men on any aspect of their bodies, while I might have sometimes complimented women on their outfits.  I can't imagine ever complimenting strangers on, say, their figures.)

I talk to strangers about music.  I talk to strangers about Muzak.  I give directions to strangers.  (Favourite single example: in Lille, "SEE VOOO PLAY?  EST KAY SAY..." "I speak English natively, and I don't speak French.  Are you lost?")

I guess I still probably do talk to strangers about how they look, sometimes.  And I probably still will.  I don't think I'm making an assumption about women's sexual availability by doing so; in general, I more feel like we're all in drag and I'm acknowledging other people have done especially fierce drag that day.

But this space is hard for me, and I feel I should acknowledge that fact.

Have you ever watched a boat in a storm? Lifting up on the waves, rolling to the side, slamming back down into the surf?  When the storm is too much, the boat takes on water, sometimes it even begins to sink.  Most of the time, no matter how harsh the weather, the ship will right itself.  The storm will pass. The sun will shine again and things will move on until the next storm strikes.  I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  Clinging to the mental image of the ship that survives the storm.

For the past few years, my life has felt like a series of storms.  I'm constantly bailing out the boat and waiting for the weather to change.  See, the problem with becoming more self aware is that you can no longer ignore the painful or unhealthy things in your life.  This is a real catch 22.  You press for growth and change in the hopes of finding peace and a better life on the other side. No one tells you about the middle part.  If they did, we would all stay put in our place. 

Well, I'm here to tell you about the middle and that everything is awful sometimes.   Sometimes, it all catches up with you.  You've spent so much time trying to survive (and even thrive) in the storm that you've totally lost your way.

You know that you are strong.  Others see your strength too.  They continue to count on and even drain you of that precious gift.  You begin to view your strength as a blessing and a curse.  It all starts to unravel.

 That's pretty much where I find myself today. Unraveled.  In the middle, where everything is awful sometimes.

I got an invite to use Google's new Inbox thingy the other day.  If you haven't seen it, it's a layer over Gmail that bundles messages into thematic groups and lets you deal with them in large batches.

It's an interesting notion, though it doesn't exactly match the way I've been using Gmail (which is to use the Priority Inbox, and strive to keep "Important and Unread" clear while letting stuff accumulate in the rest of the Inbox).  Still, that's something that could be managed over time.

The showstopper I encountered was when actually composing a message.  It doesn't include the per-sender-address signatures defined in Gmail.  I waited literally years​ for Google to add that feature, I'm not going to give it up now.

Tomorrow, I actually have a day off. So the Man and I are off to Canberra for the day. I get to see my old Boss and favourite co-workers. (I really miss working there.) Then I get let loose in the Nespresso shop and Costco. (I'm pretty sure they eat toilet paper in this house. Although, the rate we go through toilet paper is probably closely linked to the rate we go through coffee and tea.) 

Plus there will be Christmas shopping. Next week end our tree will go up. Many years ago I had to make the rule that the tree does not go up until the Saturday AFTER my Birthday. Otherwise, these weirdo's would have the tree up in October. 

This weekend will be spent planning the schooling for the remainder of the year ( we do year round schooling) and getting this house in order. 

Busy times. 

We all went through a beading phase once, right? Before or after the knitting phase, I can't remember. I really wanted this to be something I could make money off of.